All Dogs Go To Heaven

Its a heartbreaking feeling, finding out that your best friend has cancer. It's as if the world is collapsing around you, everything stops and spins a thousand miles an hour at the same time. It becomes hard to breathe as you think back on all the times that seemed so insignificant. The little things such as eating dinner together, watching movies, or just laying in bed now mean the world and you would do anything to be able to have those moments back.

 Today was a very different kind of day. He had always hated car rides, today he slept on my lap the whole way home. 

He hadn't been eating, and his vision was almost nonexistent at this point. Every time anyone tried to give him his eye drops he growled, to the point he had to be muzzled. He wouldn't move, he never knew where he was going. I hated seeing him like that, held down and in pain. It made me angry that he was so upset and no one else knew how to calm him down, they thought it was best I didn't touch him. They named him dangerous. But not with me. I made sure I was home anytime he needed his medications from that day on. 

It wasn't until he heard me voice that he would lift his head. He knew it was me, he could smell me, he knew the sound of my voice, the way I talked to him, as if he was human, and the nickname only I called him.

Bear

 That's when we started our routine. Grab the bottles from the counter, lead him to the corner he loves to lay in, he sets his head in my left hand and I tilt it upwards, 4 drops in each eye. No growling, no flinching, no muzzle required. He lays his head on my lap now, and I sit and stroke his head until he falls back asleep to the sound of my muttering that it will all be okay. 

Today was a different kind of day.

She was late. Almost 3 hours late and I have never been so grateful. I sat with him, his head in my lap as it often was. Family scattered about the living room. Mom was already crying, my step-dad and brother were silent, my friend on her phone. The knock came at the door,  neither Bear nor I moved. Mom opened the door and the lady got set up, laying down towels and medical supplies I refused to look at. Bear could smell her, he never liked the vet, I felt him move closer to me and a small growl escaped his throat. She didn't seem to mind, she tried to comfort him and his growls got louder. They moved him onto the towels and into the middle of the living room. I laid his head back in my lap and his growls softened to low rumbles and I ran my hands through the fur on his neck. 

It's going to be okay, it's going to be okay, shhh

At first I was calm. I knew he could feel my emotions and it would make him upset if I was. "This it when I usually take over" she said as she administered the sedative. I moved to the couch, that's when I could feel the lump in my throat. My body got warm and the anxiety arose within me. I couldn't swallow, couldn't breathe. Every one else was tuned out except for me and him, I can vaguely remember someone holding my hand. Then something surprised the vet, Bear was moving, growling again. He was trying to get up, trying to move away from her. After another two doses of the sedative she turned to me, "I think you need to come back..."  And so I did. He stilled when he felt my hands  and then I knew it would be okay because we both knew it was time. 

I held him as he left me. 

Today was a different kind of day. I sat in my car, home from the monotonous activities of the day. I didn't want to walk into that house. He was gone. He wouldn't be there to greet me at the door, he wouldn't be there to follow at my heels while I busy myself in the kitchen cooking. He wouldn't be there to eat dinner with me, he wouldn't be there to watch a movie with me as we fell asleep. Anxiety began to build again. He wouldn't be there to help me calm down this time. But he also wouldn't be there to lay lifelessly on the floor in fear of hitting walls. He wouldn't be there to flitch every time someone turned on a light because of his sensitive eyes. He wouldn't be there to ignore the food in his bowl. He wouldn't be there for the cancer to spread even more. He wouldn't be in pain. I took a deep breath and walked into the house. 

No longer here but always with me