Toxic Love...

Toxic Love

    I recall many nights crying because I just always wanted to have a happy family, I wanted my parents to have the image of love I always wanted, but their love was always toxic. I used to think that because I only had the image of what toxic love looked like I would never understand what the real thing would actually be. Was this the real thing? I assumed this kind of love was normal and I thought it was required. I thought there was no other version of what love was other than this. I thought it would never be better than this. No one in my childhood realistically was ever happy with the person they chose to spend their lives with, they were never genuinely in love, and in some cases couldn't stand each other, yet they stayed together, and for years which never made sense to me. If their existence brings that much trauma, why stick through it? Why not just walk the fuck away? My first example came from my parents, I don't think there was ever any true love there to begin with and to this day, I still see it’s nonexistent. My mom has not one good thing to say about my dad and I don't think she's ever spoken highly of him in my entire life. I can remember one particular day, we had just came home from church and I was sitting in the front room on the couch with my mom. My dad was right across from us. I was probably ten years old when my mom looked me dead in my eyes and told me how much of a cheater my dad was. I'm ten years old and my dad is sitting right in front of us while my mom basically airs out all the dirty laundry my dad probably never wanted me to know. The man I thought was a superhero was a serial cheater who constantly disrespected my mom right in front of me? What type of lesson am I supposed to learn from that? Why was my mom so honest so early? I had resentment for my dad for years and since that day I never looked at him the same. My mom would always tell me she didn't want me and my brothers to grow up in a broken home without our father, which is why she stayed. She wanted our dad in the household. I'm not sure if there was any value in that, but that's what she chose to do. I didn't understand it as a kid, but I finally started to understand what she meant as I grew into an adult and started seeing things clearly. As a kid I would ask myself if this is what love is supposed to look like? Is the man I am apparently in love with supposed to emotionally abuse me, take me for granted, put me down, break me apart, disrespect me in front of my children, my family and my friends? Is he supposed to physically bring me harm and take advantage of me? Is he meant to bring me more chaos, than joy? Is love supposed to hurt? Was that really my true description of “real love”? Did I really actually believe that what my parents had was normal. I always have had a strong amount of respect for my mom, because she literally tried to sacrifice her happiness for me and my siblings, she showed real strength. She was an old fashioned model of what a “ride or die” looked like. She stood by my dad through everything, through thick and thin, and though they had their fair share of issues from infidelity and beyond, she still genuinely cared for him. From my eyes, I always believed she would do anything for him even when he didn't deserve it. I found myself doing the same exact thing in my own first relationship. At a young age it seemed like I was already conditioned to accept the wrong idea of love, just based on the failed relationship of my parents. It's possible to beat the odds and find love and live happily ever after, but this just didn't apply to me on my first shot at love. I swore to myself that would never be me even if it did indeed become me in the end. Funny how God laughs at us when we tell him our plans. Toxic situations are a gift and a curse. They become the greatest teachers of the biggest lessons in life, yet it's always painful, and always heartbreaking. Love is not meant to feel this way. I knew that love was not meant bring pain or torture to your life. Love wasn't meant to prevent you for growing. If anything it should help you do so. I had to learn from myself the hard way about the true definition and difference between toxic love and “real love.” Funny thing is, I had the greatest teachers right in front of me to show me the difference, before I had the chance to even love anyone other than myself.